Week Six: Chakra Allies

Before I leave week five behind, I had to do one more card that was nagging at my innards... One more person that influenced me (badly) and has to be mentioned, my first husband and father of my eldest son.

The first one:

I kept adding layers, but it still wasn't 'dark' enough...
This man influenced me so negatively: he punched me, he dominated me, he mistreated me, and he threw me into full-blown anorexia , and bulimia later in life, which was to last for over 30 years.

The second one:
Still not right....

The third one:
I HATE HIM for the way he still hurts my eldest son, to this very day!

Week Five: Allowing Intuition

Ideas and images, memories and strong emotions have continued to flow through my mind and body this past week.
I liked the title (allowing intuition).
I sat down to do a tribute to two very important people in my life... and here they are.

Auntie Essie

I was very surprised upon 'completing' this one. I thought I would be doing much much more on it, that it would be packed with images....
But, NO, this is it.
Essie was my spinster aunt (mother's sister), who I used to visit in my school holidays. She decided to marry a much older man for 'company', regretted it, and died 6 months later....at the age of 50.
I adored her, she was everything to me, and I was only 16 when she left me. That was 45 years ago (nearly as long as she was alive), and I still miss her now, so much... it actually feels painful.
The 'red' blob on the whole left side sort of shocked me...what was that all about? Why so big and prominent?
I can only think of her blood and mine so strongly entertwined...with my broken heart (bottom left) also enmeshed in it.
We were two parts of the same being, one the right foot, one the left foot....and my best memories were of us sitting together giggling in the bath.
My bed was right beside hers and we used to fall asleep holding hands.
That, to me, meant true love. She loved me unconditionally and with everything inside her very soul. I miss you so much Auntie Essie.

Steven

This card surprised me in its intensity, as I thought it would be simple and easy to do, but it turned out to be very difficult (the hardest one of all my cards so far), with (possibly) too many images.

It means a lot to me and I won't analyse it. Maybe one day if Steven sees it, he may want to tell me how he interprets it. I love you totally and unconditionally, and I always will.

Week Four: A New Chapter

After my last post I felt so drained, and quite empty. The fact that I had dredged up so much of my past (some things I had never spoken about, and definitely never 'shown' so publicly),left me feeling very 'low' as well.
Nothing else came out of me, although I did prepare my space and set everything in front of me a couple of times, and told myself I was feeling 'ready'...nothing happened.

I looked again at my list I had made of the Committee Suit, and saw there were still many parts of 'me' I hadn't explored. and also some duplicates I had written in my list too... what was that all about I wandered?
Still nothing...so I 'let it go' and 'freed' myself for the past week, turning my attention to other things.

But as soon as Carla's new post went up on Sunday, I felt all fired up and energetic once more. Somehow, a new chapter is what I needed. So, let the collaging begin...
These questions need to be answered in order to start on this new phase of my journey.

1.) List 15 people who are very important in your life. They can be alive or dead. Oh no, I don't have 15....
Let me see...
Auntie Essie
Ian
Neil
Steven
Mark
Carla
Maggie
Ma
Dad
Silla and Cinny
Leon
2.)Name 3 ancestors whose energy or personality you share, or ones you would want to call to assist you in life's struggles.
Ohmigod, I don't know 3...
Auntie Essie
3.) Name 3 teachers who imprinted your life in a valuable way:
Haven't got three:
Mrs Van Zyl
Mrs Purchase
4.) Of the great human beings of history, whom would you like to consult about your life?
Nelson Mandela
Ghandi
Queen Victoria
5.)Who would you call if you wanted to talk in the middle of the night?
Steven
6.) Who would you want around to comfort you when you were ill or sad?
Ill= Neil, Steve, Mark
Sad= Steven
7.) Who would you want around when you want to play and celebrate?
Neil, Mark, Steve.
8.)Name five people you would want with you if you were marooned on an island for a year.
Neil, Steven. Mark, Carla and Maggie
9.)Who inspire or encourages your deepest hopes or dreams?
Myself and Steven
10.) Whose challenges push you to your edge and therefore help you to grow?
My own and Steven's
11.) Are there animal beings whose energy is precious to you?
Yes, Winston and Snuffles.
This list definitely alarms me... Why? Am I too reliant on Steven (my eldest son) for my mental wellbeing?
At last I was able to do one new card:

My Animal Beings:


This card shows my bulldogs I had when I was younger and my Shih Tsu I have now, all very loving animals who gave and give me 'unconditional' love (The only ones in this whole world who do!)

It is very important to me right at this moment in my life, no matter how busy I am with all sorts of other projects, to continue and keep on pushing myself to do this challenge I have set myself.

So, I may do it much slower than the first chapter, but I will not give up.

Week Three: Letting Go

I certainly have been 'letting go' with my collage and they seem to be 'growing' and changing. When I look at my first one I did barely a week ago, I see quite a few differences.
Here are a few more...


City Girl:

I love big cities, and have lived in quite a few of them. I have lived in or visited Johannesburg, Cape Town, Lome, Bangkok, Dahran, Paris, Amsterdam, London, Cairo, Brisbane, Athens, Sydney and Hong Kong. I love the buzz, the thrills, the excitement, the noise, the hustle and bustle, but I do like to come home to my quiet street and my quiet house.

Mother: I have been a mother for nearly 38 years of my life. I have now watched my son and DIL struggling to get used to parenthood in the last 3 months and realise just how hard it was at the beginning. I love my sons dearly, but sometimes wonder what my life would've been like without them.

Eating Disorder Sufferer:
I have suffered from anorexia and/or bulimia for well over twenty years of my life. I consider myself 'recovering', but I still have bad days /periods. It is very important to me to confront it as much as possible....

Split Personality:
I am definitely two separate people;

happy and sad

controlling and controlled

generous and selfish

loving and hating

friendly and unfriendly

fearful and outspoken

loving and cool

The last two were really quite difficult to do, post and write about....it is only a few years since I admitted having an eating problem, so I feel really proud of myself for managing this.

More Committees

I was in very upset and contrary mood yesterday, after my 'dentist' experience ( http://soulbrush.blogspot.com/2009/04/friday-shock-and-laughter.html).
I felt restless and out of sorts all day long.
Eventually by about 9pm I was able to settle down to do some collaging, and immediately began to feel calmer
Here is what I produced:

Controlling:
When I am in control I do feel .....in control, not only of the instant moment but of everything around me. Losing control is very scary for me.

Moody:
Extreme moodiness has definitely waned as I've got older, but this is still part of me inside. I actually have to try very hard to deal with it.

Wearing Masks:

I wear a lot of masks in my life, appearing calm on the outside when I am often a ball of nerves on the inside. Sometimes I even begin to believe in my own masks!

After these I felt drained, but ready to do some more....

Committee Suit Cont.

Been at home today beavering away at my cards.


They all just 'happened' naturally, but it did take hours to sift through photos, find them, cut out those bits that 'shout' at me, then arrange them (didn't have to rearrange them, once and that's it!).Then stick and look at and scan and that's it.


So, here they are:

My Source card (possibly).

This one was easy, it was one image and said all I needed it to say.

Abused Child:
I realised after my first card that possibly 'less is more'.
This one didn't need a lot on it anyway, it just evolved.I was abused by my mother as a child and growing up, both physically and mentally, and it has affected everything I do and see and say.

Broken heart:
My heart has been broken many many times in my life, and this, too, just evolved. I knew I wanted it to be brown and dark.

Rebel: I was always a rebel, I just didn't feel as though I fitted into my skin most of the time as I as growing up. Because of my mother's severity, I rebelled every way I could. I was seen as being different and wierd and that was okay....But I didn't want this card to be dark and foreboding, as being a rebel gave me a lot of fun and joy.

The most important thing for me is NOT to compare my cards to other people's collage and find them 'wanting' in any way.

I do this at my art lesson, as the other woman is much more arty than I am but in a very staid rigid way, whereas I am prepared to try new things and am much more free with my stuff.

Likewise with these cards, I have looked at lots of collage books and other's work, and my cards seem so 'flat', but they are 'me' and for now that's fine. I am not doing them to please others, but for ME.